My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
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Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Good morning y’all ☀️
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
They’re really bad with fonts.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough