Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
🤭😂
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell