Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
let’s discuss
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Tell the colonel to bring it
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)