WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m about to risk it all
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*