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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi