I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.