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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Hitlers gonna hitl
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.