My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
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I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
All excellent questions
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.