If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.