doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Fight
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.