My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
huge if true: the moon
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.