[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
You Might Also Like
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune