Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
i did the math
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.