Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts