Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes