I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You Might Also Like
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
grotesque if literal: baby food
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Mornin
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile