Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong