Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
😆this is so true
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*