Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me