“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Art by Pastelkatto
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.