Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
All food is good if you spell it wrong
⛄️
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu