“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
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[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*