Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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