Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Favourite diary entry ever