Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Never forget.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry