I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?