As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.