Jupiter
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Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”