4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
You Might Also Like
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
why I oughta
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.