HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Happy thanksgiving!
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.