When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.