If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
is this a threat
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
🤣🤣🤣
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I did not eat the cake…
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”