Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.