Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where