I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
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It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
a public service announcement
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]