A short story about romance.
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Yep.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.