I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.