Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
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Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.