My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
🤣🤣🤣
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.