*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
repaired
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
humans only use 10% of their treadmills