People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.