My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.