This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.