Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control