I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
me logging onto twitter
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*