aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes