“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER