an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
the dark web is just a goth google.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.