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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
79.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.