[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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Just why bro?!
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.